Missing scene from Random Acts of Crazy

Hockenfield Times, May 3, 2013

Hockenfield, Mass.

By Janet Simkin

Naked Man Steals Chicken, Evades Local Police

Hockenfield Police Chief Bart Jansen has issued an alert for a white male, early twenties, with blonde hair and blue eyes who stole a chicken from farmer Mike Kemper's coop this morning at approximately 2:33 a.m. The man is completely naked and while unarmed, is considered a potential threat to public safety.

“I heard rustling and figured it was a fox,” Kemper explained to local reporter Janet Simkin. “Instead, I got an eyeful. Naked guy, young, wearing a collar around his neck like a dog. And a guitar. Nothing else. He kept calling my laying hen 'Mavis' and hollered he was eloping with her.'”

After a brief scuffle, during which the chicken scratched him, Kemper let go. The man shouted, “I wasted my only answered prayer!” and fled.

Kemper called 911 immediately, though the cruiser was delayed as the operator struggled to understand the nature of the call, but local police answered within eleven minutes.

Too late.

“The suspect escaped on foot with the alleged stolen chicken under his arm, headed for the Mass Pike,” said Police Chief Jansen. "Concerned citizens with any information are advised to contact the Hockenfield Police at our non-emergency number at 413-554-1000, and travelers on I-90 or any other interstate should not, as always, pick up naked hitchhikers by the side of the road.”